Dear Kyra,
About a year and a half ago you started asking me to chew gum. Knowing how your mind works, I wanted to stop you asking that before it got incessant so I told you that you had to wait until you were 5 years old before you were allowed to chew gum. (My thought process being you would be in kindergarten and mature enough to handle the responsibilities of gum, plus, 5 seemed so far away at the time). Unfortunately for me, 5 came a lot quicker then I anticipated. How did this year go by so fast?
“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” Elizabeth Stone
Never has this quote felt more true then now, with Kyra being in Kindergarten. I am having a hard time with it. I am having a hard time with my daughter being gone from me 5 days a week/6 hours a day. I feel that I'm losing her, that someone else is now in charge of raising her. Does that sound extreme? Probably. But that's honestly how I feel. Somebody else is teaching her how to act, what to say and I wonder, did we teach her well enough? Are the things we're teaching her at home sticking at school? Does she remember the rules mommy and daddy taught her first? Are the values we've tried to instill in Kyra showing up at school? I don't know. I'm not there so I can't know what she's doing during the day and how she's interacting with her friends.
So I worry. I worry about what she's picking up from some of the other kids. I worry about what happens when someone hurts her either physically or emotionally. Will somebody notice? Most likely not. Will somebody be there to give her a hug and sooth her pain? No. Kyra's not in the preschool bubble anymore. She's in the public school world which is feeling big and a little scary at this point in time. So I worry. And I miss her.
We miss her. Jayce and I. We feel it that Kyra is no longer a part of our day. I hear multiple times a day "Let's go pick up Kyra from kindergarten, mommy". Jayce misses his playmate. His big sister isn't there anymore to jump up and down when he goes on the potty or say "Way to go Jayce!" when he "reads" a story or does something well that he's been working on for a while. Kyra's not there to be my fantastic little helper that she's growing to be. We don't get to hear her laugh and see her big smile and listen to her silly antics and watch her very creative/energetic dances. She's not there during our day and we miss her. You know what? I think there's a bit of grief that goes along with a child starting full day kindergarten. At least for me there is. and it's showing up in physical ways. Knots in my neck and shoulders I can't get rid of. Not sleepingwell at night. Waking up monday morning with this horrible sick feeling in the pit of my stomach because I know we're at the start of another long week of school. I don't like it.
I miss some of the freedom's that we used to enjoy. The freedom to enjoy after dinner visits with friends because bedtime was allowed to be fluid. The freedom of not having to watch the clock during family dinner at the farm. The freedom of being able to do spontaneous bike trips after dinner because we felt like we had the whole evening ahead of us. 7:30 bedtime feels very constricting. I miss the easy morning wake-ups and despise having to wake my kids up in the morning. I miss having playdates with Kyra present. I miss my girl.
With all this being said, there are things to be thankful for. I'm thankful that even though it seemed improbable, Kyra has Lucas and 2 of her other friends from preschool in her class. I'm thankful that we have such a wonderful teacher. She's open to a parent volunteering as much as they would like and really does a lot with the class. I'm thankful that we live close enough to be able to walk to school. I'm thankful that Kyra being in full day kindergarten has taught me, even more, to treasure the moments I do have with my kids. I'm thankful for friends who understand because they're going through the same thing I am. I'm thankful that Kyra is settling in so well. It was rough at the beginning. Kyra cried at school the first week, was so grumpy and hard to deal with when she was at home that I just wanted to cry. Which I did. But now she loves her school, has fun with her friends and is really enjoying the whole experience. I'm really thankful for that because if Kyra was having a hard time at school my desire to keep her at home would be increased tenfold.
That's where I'm at right now. Learning to adjust to this new routine in life.
With that I'll sign off with a promise that my next post will be picture-full. 'Night all.
Being a parent is by far one of the most humbling experiences I've ever had. I have been a not-so-great mother recently, yelling more than I should, giving a punishment without fully understanding the situation and just overall not doing my best at being a mom. It was very humbling the other day to get down at my kids level, look them both in the eye and say "mommy is sorry I was yelling so much and getting so frustrated today. It's not your fault and I love you very much".
You know what my kids did? They looked up at me with those beautiful eyes of theirs and said "it's okay mommy, can we play this game now?" It always amazes how much our kids can let things just slide off their backs. They offered forgiveness to me so quickly, much quicker then I'm sometimes willing to offer it to people. There was no looking back, they just forgave and moved on. It was so humbling. And that apology I offered, that a part of me didn't want to give, changed the mood for the rest of the day and the days to come. It was hard to do but so worth it. These kids:
